10 things to do to amuse yourself on public transport...

Most people don't particularly like travelling on public transport, and yes when I am tired, cranky and don't fancy resting my head in a strangers armpit first thing in the morning I am one of them, but we may be missing a trick. The delightful world of public transport can provide endless entertainment. 

Now you could pass the time by reading a book or listening to music, but why do that when you could do these...

1. Play musical armrest. Seats on the tube come with armrests. Now you may be lucky enough to snag a seat but can you hit the jackpot and get an armrest too? If you do, high five to your double whammy. If not however, this is where musical armrest steps in. Bide your time and wait patiently until your neighbour removes their arm to get out a book/change a song/attend to a wedgie and then swoop in like a ninja. Be alert though, musical armrest works both ways...

2. Search for wifi connections, some of the names are brilliant. A friend gave me this idea upon discovering that her neighbours wifi was called "Pretty Fly for a Wifi". Once whilst on the bus stuck in traffic my phone gave me two options: "Big Booty Bitches" and "Christ the Saviour". I went with Jesus, I figured he'd probably have a better connection.

3. Be a seat tease. If you have a seat on crowded public transport it's fair to say most of those standing will hate you a little, but none more so than the seat vultures. They will make a shrewd assessment based on dress/age/demeanor and use this information to decide a persons likely postcode and point of departure. Only then will they place their bets and hover by the right person, ready to edge in, arse first. I like to have fun with them. Watch the vein pop out of their forehead and see how excited they get as soon as you make motions to leave, putting your book away, picking up your bag, maybe even standing to adjust your outfit. Their anger and confusion when you reach the next stop but instead of vacating just settle back into your seat is priceless.

4. Maintain eye contact with someone and watch them freak out. Now I should stress that it is important to also adopt a neutral facial expression when doing this. You're aiming for harmless weirdo not creepy stalker or sexual predator.

5. Grin for the entire journey. Not at anyone or anything in particular, just plaster a grin on your face and appear to be having a ball inside of your own head. Not only will it release endorphins (go on, try fake smiling for 10 seconds and you will actually feel happier) it will unnerve people. People who smile too much creep me out. I decided that sometimes it is fun to be one of those people.
 

6. Stand by the person who is playing their (almost always horrendous) music ridiculously loud and dance/sing along until they get the hint. Or just tut and sigh loudly as is the British way.

7. Practice an accent. If someone talks to you, talk back in an accent of your choosing. Change it at random and see if they notice. I've learnt that the only accents I can successfully do are Cockney, The Queen's English, Irish, West Country and American. Almost everything else sounds Indian. Spanish? Indian. Jamaican? Indian. Oddly enough however when I attempt an Indian accent it sounds Welsh...

8. Listen to the person talking ridiculously loud on the phone and recreate the other side of the conversation. There is a whole world of possibility. You can do this in your head or even out loud, just prepare for a punch.

9. Surf. When standing don't hold on for support, bend your knees use your stomach muscles and attempt to stay upright. The satisfaction of successfully surfing a particularly sharp bend or bump in the road is unparalleled. And If you fall into someones lap so be it.

10. Drink. Alcohol makes everything more fun.

Or make like this guy...

Why YOUR art really does matter...

Exposing yourself to people is never easy (emotionally not physically, the latter is surprisingly so and, depending on the circumstance, may get you arrested…) but someone wise told me that to truly excel in your craft you have to take a big old metaphorical knife, slice open your chest and spill your heart, guts and everything else in-between out. Not my liver though, I'll be requiring that for all the wine I'll need after posting this…

I used to think that "your art matters" was just a cheesy line that Lucas used to tell Peyton in nearly every single episode of One Tree Hill but now I realise that the teenage boy, who quite literally narrated his way through life like a middle aged agony aunt, may have had a point.

When an actor convinces you that their heart has broken on stage, it is an echo of when it has truly been broken before. Or when a vocalist sends shivers to your core it is not necessarily through technique but because you can feel their ache in every note. All art expresses the inner workings of the artists mind. To say that it doesn't matter means that person doesn't matter. YOUR art matters because YOU matter. 

If I had a penny for every time I have discarded a draft of a song/script/article because I didn't think it was good enough or I was too scared to put myself out there in fear of what people would think about me, my piggy bank wouldn't be sitting so forlornly on my windowsill begging to be fed. But writing and singing liberates me, and I shouldn't have to sacrifice my joy so as not to offend someone who probably doesn't care anyway or (shock, horror!) may even enjoy it.

My writing is a lot like my character. Jovial, sarcastic and lighthearted often belying what's really going on in my silly anxiety-ridden head. The thought of sharing what I've written about subjects that really mean something to me with the world brings me out in a cold sweat. And similarly when I sing I feel completely vulnerable. But why should I be embarrassed about how I feel? Most people, unless made of stone, will have felt extremes of elation, despair and everything else in-between. We only truly engage with art when we feel an affinity with it.

Three things I have come to learn are:

1. The majority of people don't care as much as you think. Whether that's good or bad they really don't. Generally most people are too consumed in their own lives to give more than a passing glance to yours. So sod it!
2. Your art should be for you. Are you happy with it? That's all that counts. If someone else enjoys it great, but equally don't let somebody's inability to see your value decrease your worth. And if they hate it enough to pass judgement at least you inspired a reaction.
3. If no one had the courage to bother there would be no art and that would make for a pretty bleak world.

The beautiful thing about art is that it is completely subjective. The legendary Beethoven said: "To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable" and I couldn't agree more. For me when it comes to passion vs perfection, passion always prevails.

10 things every twenty-something woman needs in her arsenal…

You should all know by now that your twenties is a big old battlefield. Guys, friends, work; shit is always about to hit the proverbial fan.  But we don't have to power through weaponless. That would just be silly. Here are ten things that every twenty-something woman should possess to call upon in times of need...

The perfect red lipstick

Every woman NEEDS to don a red lip every now and again and trust us, there is a shade for everyone. If you're having a confidence crisis nothing will empower you more than slicking on that perfect red; it is the colour of passion, power and desire after all. As burlesque goddess Dita Von Teese said, "Heels and red lipstick will put the fear of God into people". So strut down the street, pout first, and watch the world weep.

  

A power song

Picture Rocky having a bit of a bad day or feeling a tad deflated. Now imagine how he would feel if 'Eye of the Tiger' came blasting though his earphones at that exact moment? He'd be at the top of those stairs faster than Mr T could say, "I pity the fool". Every woman should have a power song that encourages them to take on the world when all they want to do is curl up in bed and watch back to back episodes of Girls. It can be absolutely anything, as long as it makes you shake it off like Taylor Swift and put your 'bad-ass' hat on.

An older (and wiser) friend

The simple fact is that in our twenties (possibly even our thirties) we will not have our sh*t together. An older and more knowledgeable female friend will serve to remind us of this when we dramatically proclaim that our lives are falling apart. Whatever predicament you find yourself in you can be certain that she will have been there, done that, and have the pinot grigio induced scars to prove it. Sure, we have to face those obstacles and learn the lessons for ourselves, but having a strong and fabulous female mentor helping to guide us through the maze can be a godsend.

 

A signature dish

Women (and men too) should all have one dish - and if you want to go totally crazy, a dessert too - that they can execute to perfection. This will ensure that the idea of an impromptu dinner party or cooking for the in-laws doesn't bring you out in a cold sweat. Plus it's nice to believe that if 'Come Dine With Me' came knocking your home-made lasagne and banoffee pie combination would quite clearly take the prize.

A good bookshelf

We're not talking about the actual bookshelf - you may be Team Kindle - we're referring to what's in it. The more you read, the more you know and the euphoric feeling of getting just one question right on University Challenge is one that should not be overlooked. Not only does reading provide escapism, it expands your vocabulary and helps hone all those witty retorts you'll undoubtedly need at one point or another. Which brings us to our next one…

A sharp wit

Everyone hates thinking "oh I wish I had said that" whilst fretting about an incident when someone made you feel inferior (damn you hindsight), but mastering the ability to deliver a clever comeback is one that will do wonders for your confidence. It's not easy to stand up for yourself when you feel two feet tall but trust us, afterwards you will feel like Jack Dawson, arms spread, standing at the front of the Titanic. As J.K. Rowling wrote in Harry Potter, "Wit beyond measure is a man's greatest treasure". When has JK ever steered us wrong?

 

A beautiful pair of well-fitting heels

Is there any greater joy than slipping your feet into a sexy pair of skyscrapers to discover that you can stand in them AND they are actually (dare you say it?) comfortable…or as comfortable as a 4-inch heel can be. The late, great Marilyn once said, "Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world". The perfect pair will make you feel as sexy as hell (is hell sexy?...) as soon as the ball of your foot hits the ground.

 

A great pair of sunglasses

Squinting is not a good look, and for that reason alone every lady should own a pair of spectacular sunnies, but it's not just about UV protection. A decent pair of sunglasses can perk up a face in an instant; especially if you've been a dirty stop out running on two hours sleep or manage to get a black eye... They don't have to be ludicrously expensive, as long as you find the right shape for your face a Primark pair will work a treat.

A signature scent

It's fun to mix it up every now and then, but most of us have that one perfume that we keep going back to. Sure we'll have the occasional fling with a spicy little number, but nothing beats that old classic. We all know the stirring of nostalgia we feel when we're going about our daily business and suddenly get a whiff of a scent that reminds us of a certain someone. Good or bad, smell evokes memory and can say a lot about the wearer. A signature scent is a great way to leave your stamp.

A sense of humour

A good sense of humour is truly one of the best things you can possess. We've all made a spectacle of ourselves from time to time, be it face-planting at the feet of the guy we fancy or dancing a little too aggressively and being escorted out of a club for accidentally drop kicking the DJs laptop. Even if you're dying on the inside just keep on laughing and the world will laugh with you, not at you. Hey, if it worked for Jennifer Lawrence…

11 REAL reasons girls want a boyfriend...

Being a woman in your twenties is no easy feat. If you're single people think it's ok to ask why (it's not), and if you're in a relationship then where's the ring? There is a general assumption  that women are so desperate for marriage and babies that they are willing to be tied down into a lifelong contract and impregnated by any Tom, Dick or Harry. Now admittedly most girls would find enjoyment in having a boyfriend, but there are a lot of practical reasons to having a partner that shouldn't be overlooked…


1. Someone to deal with the spiders

It's creeping up to the top of the list of things I want in a mate. In fact it is largely becoming a reason I actually want a mate. Seriously, if they can't deal with spiders either what use are they going to be as a protector? After a gargantuan spider invaded my inner santcum the other day I was powerless. It was just me and the beast alone, my cries for help heard by none. The thought of growing old and alone in a world of spiders filled me with far more dread than one of spinsterhood and cats.

2. Two salaries are better than one

Being single in the salary sieve that is London I was always envious of my attached friends and colleagues, but not for romantic reasons. Purely financial ones. Yes, cuddles on cold winter nights would have been nice (see #5) but had I been splitting the cost of rent I could have afforded to put the radiator on. They got cuddles AND central heating. I got to cry into my four jumpers.

3. There is a person obliged to do stuff with you

Not even the sexy stuff, just stuff. Whether it's boring errands you don't want to run on your own or going to watch a film or play you're desperate to see, regardless of whether they want to they HAVE to suck it up and accompany you. It's an unwritten law.

4. Sex on tap

Lets face it, men are never saying no so whenever you fancy a bit it's yours for the taking.

5. Cuddles on tap

The innocent younger sibling of sex - the cuddle - is wildly underrated. Sometimes there is nothing more comforting than wrapping your arms around a big hunk of man, they're just so bloody cosy. Sadly pillows are neither warm nor cuddle back.

6. They provide endless entertainment

Personally I like my men to be witty and a little sarcastic (which can drastically backfire in a heated discussion when I SO want to be annoyed but am secretly impressed with their clever retort) but whether they mean to be or not, they are humorous creatures. Sorry, you touched the iron to see if it was on and blistered your finger? Dying.

7. They are our guinea pigs 

They'll do all the shit we're scared to do simply because we ask them and their male pride can't say no. That disgusting but intriguing looking canape? They're eating it.

8. They're your get out of jail free card

Your distant cousins baby shower? Awww as much as you would have LOVED to spend the afternoon drinking alcohol free champagne (sacrilege) and rejoicing over nappy dispensers, the boyfriend's (insert relative here) is visiting. What a bummer.

9. It gets people off your back

Be it the cretins who linger around you on a night out or your relatives wondering if you've managed to establish yourself as a proper grown-up human by being in relationship... Whatever the reason, the words "I've got a boyfriend" seem to be enough to shut people up.

10. They'll always give us their coats 

They may moan when we refuse to wear a coat when heading out. but it tugs at their heartstrings (and their ego) when they see us shivering away whilst they're nice and toasty in their man jacket. In our defence we DO feel a bit guilty watching them freeze their bollocks off for us. Not enough to make us bring a coat in the first place but it's there.

And finally...

11. Love 

There, I said it. Kill me now but the only real reason we want someone to share everything with is love. I would imagine there is no better feeling in this world than being truly loved by someone, and equally there is nothing as crushing as a love unrequited. As Ewan McGregor said in Moulin Rouge "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Nail. On. Head.

Why comparison really IS the thief of joy...

A couple of weeks ago I was indulging in some casual quote reading (I love a profound quote) when I came across one that stuck with me. Theodore Roosevelt once surmised that "comparison is the thief of joy." Theo old chap, you weren't wrong...


The first example of this that popped into my head was food envy. I have, on more than one occasion, waited for my dining partner to order and simply chosen the same to avoid the sadness of food envy. Unless the other person orders a dish with fruit on (ie. Hawaiian pizza *shudder*), then I'm ALWAYS the winner. Sometimes menus are the devil, with their abundance of delectable options. After much deliberation, you finally manage to narrow it down. Now there are just two strong contenders vying to be your nutrition for the evening. One decision is all that's between you and a satisfied palate. One of them has just tipped the balance when BAM! Your friend chooses the dish you were about to cast aside. Then come the dreads. Never have you been more unsure of yourself. What if the other dish is a gastronomical triumph and you're left with a flaccid slab of lasagne? It could quite literally leave a sour taste in your mouth for the whole evening.




Why is it that we can be perfectly happy, and actually rather content, with our joy quota until we see someone else who appears to be experiencing a little bit MORE joy. And just like that our joy is shit, we want their joy. Our joy is now so pitiful that it may as well be misery.

Social media (I'm looking at you Facebook and Instagram) definitely perpetuates this tendency to compare ourselves to our peers, but you need to take a step back and realise that what you are witnessing is a completely edited version of a person's life. The photo-shopped version if you will. You may be salivating over the picture of the artfully arranged eggs Benedict creation rolling around Sally's belly this morning, courtesy of some poncy eatery (a lot of my envy involves food it would seem…), but what Sally DIDN'T Instagram was the burnt fried eggs, beans, and oven chips combination that she wolfed down the previous evening. And nothing is sadder than a solid yolk.

We've always done it though. Us humans just can't help ourselves. In the olden days before the creation of the world wide web we'd compare ourselves with the neighbours. "Have you seen Gill's garden? Look at her new bush. Alison always had the biggest bush on the block but Gill's bush is definitely bigger than Alison's bush..."

I bet once upon a time Sir Lancelot had acquired a new courser (yeah, I did my horse research) and was feeling pretty damn good about his trusty steed until King Arthur galloped around the corner on his destrier stallion. "Take that Lancy," thought Arthur, "my horse is bigger than your horse."

So basically, stop doing a comparethemarket.com on your life. And remember, no matter what you do there will always be someone doing (or appearing to do) it better. Don't fret however, there will also be a large number of people doing it far worse.

As Oscar Wilde said; "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." Morale of the tale; *puts on Oprah voice* stop trying to be the best. Just be the best version of you...

What happened to men you say? What the hell happened to women?!…

As women of the 21st century we often question what has become of men. We pine for the chivalrous and well dressed men of yesteryear who will hold open our door and be delighted with nothing more than a kiss at the end of a night.  Recently however I have found myself wondering what also has become of women? What happened to the elegance of women such as Lauren Bacall and Ava Gardner, the golden days when Rita Hayworth slowly removing a long sleeved glove was deemed provocative? These days we can't turn the page of a magazine without being subjected to a pair of famous nipples or a celebrity crotch. We've become so desensitised to risque dressing that it's merely a matter of time before one of them strolls bollock naked down a red carpet. My money's on Rihanna…

This brings me to the reason I felt compelled to write about this. The new Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea collaboration "Booty". I had a vague idea of what to expect as I fired up my laptop to watch the sexually charged video but this was beyond ridiculous. Needless to say my reaction grew from slightly unimpressed to rather annoyed with every frame. Maybe the narrative went over my head but it goes something like, J-Lo shakes her arse, Iggy shakes her arse, Iggy and J-Lo rub their arses together, oh then they're soaking wet (but still shaking their arses) for no good reason… 

I have read many articles recently about the continual objectification of women, but I find it difficult to berate men for objectifying us when women in positions of power are consistently putting out imagery which essentially asks them to do just that. I understand and wholeheartedly agree that women should have the freedom to do whatever and dress however they want, permitting it is legal, but at what point is it female empowerment as opposed to objectification? I'm at a loss to see how this is supposed to be empowering for women.

I'm all for celebrating the female form and believe that nudity when done tastefully can be beautiful (I also agree with R Kelly that there ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind…) but I can certainly think of better ways for Jennifer to showcase her beautiful behind than to bend over legs akimbo, douse said behind in water and shake it like a sopping dog.

Men innately are primal beings; man sees pie, man wants pie. They are only deserving however of a slice of the pie, potentially even just a slither, until said pie receives the appreciation it deserves. But when women in the media kick up a fuss about being seen as merely breasts and an arse with a body attached and then put out 'art' such as this music video, they are in effect serving up the whole pie on a big shiny platter and then kicking off when men devour it. 

There is no doubt that the video was created entirely with a male audience in mind but even the lyrics have a lot to answer for. Admittedly with the title 'Booty' I wasn't expecting one of Shakespeare's sonnets set to a hip-hop beat (as far as I'm aware The Bard never had a penchant for romanticising the larger bottomed lady) but after the furore over 'Blurred Lines' and its alleged date-rape undertones, I am rather surprised that more of a fuss hasn't been made over the lines "you wanna meet her, you gotta touch her" and then even more excruciating; "Go on let them jeans touch you while you're dancing. It's his birthday, give him what he ask for."

So what Ms Lopez is basically saying is that if some creep starts rubbing his crotch on your arse whilst you're dancing don't worry your pretty little head,  just let him because it means that he thinks you're attractive and surely that's all you've ever wanted in life?…

Jen, you're better than this. Sort it out.

Some clever chat-up lines that MAY just work. Maybe...

These days chat-up lines are considered cringe-worthy and futile, usually reeled out by cretinous and lecherous men who are just trying to get their end away. But sometimes the line can be rather telling of the man behind it. As long as they immediately explain that the line was in jest...

I'm sure most women will agree that if asked “I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours instead?”, we would more than likely just stare bemused for a few seconds before sighing and shaking our heads. Come up with something that forces us to think (and make us smile) however, and you may just have our attention. Unless you're The Gosling. then you could say anything, we'd be too busy staring at your face.

Personally I am extremely partial to a good pun, and as a classic sapiophile can quite easily be drawn in by someone who can engage me in some witty wordplay. 

Here is a list of some lines that amused me somewhat:

"Billions of neutrinos penetrate you every second. Can I join them?" - Clever, but that's quite enough penetration for one second. 

"I wish I were your derivative so I could lay tangent to your curves." - A tame one. This guy is looking for cuddles.

"Let me be your integral so I can be the area under your curves." – You can be my integral as long as you're not an indefinite integral. You know, with no specific values. Too nerdy? 

"If I were an enzyme I'd be a DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes." - If someone knew what a DNA helicase was, I may just let them... 

"You’re like telophase, I admire your cleavage." – At least they're not just openly staring at it. Always a bonus. 

"Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your ass is refreshing." – My initial thoughts were 'it would be impossible to sit solely on the F5 key', nevertheless I enjoyed it. 

"Are you full of beryllium, gold and titanium? Because you're BE-AU-TI-FUL." – A simple, ELEMENT-ary line... 

"Do you have 11 protons? Because you're sodium fine." – I can't help but think this would be totally lost if not said in the right accent. 

"You are so hot you denature my proteins." – So, so sexy. 

"Your eyes are like limpid pools of primordial ooze and I am the protozoa that wish to swim in their depths." - Yeah, this one might be a tad much...

Now if you think the object of your affection may be more partial to a literary reference you could try these: 

Is your name Katniss, because you're starting an uprising in MY district. - A little sleazy but some decent punning.

And if all else fails you can't beat the immortal words of The Bard himself:

"You have witchcraft in your lips" - Good old Shakesy. Passionate and to the point. 

Now, we women aren't blameless when it comes to affairs of the heart so here is one to use on a lady that may have wronged you. Or may indeed just be Satan incarnate: 

"Did it hurt? When you crashed through the crust of the Earth on your ascent from hell?" A twist on the classic 'fell down from heaven'... 

And here is one to use on NO ONE:

"Does this rag smell like chloroform?" - If you hear this RUN.

The perils of the fake tan finger...

It has been a while since my last poem, but after a recent mishap with some false tan (I vow to now forever accept my god-given paleness) I was inspired to rhyme once again.

All you ladies who have ever reached for the bottle will understand the perils of the fake tan finger. No matter how careful you are, your hands at one point in your life will have given the game away. Onlookers will realise that no, you haven't been chilling in the Caribbean or cruising around Monaco on a yacht. And it is all the fault of those blotchy fingers.

The application was precise,
A mitt was used and blended thrice.
To bed you go, smothered in mousse
hoping you weren't haphazard or obtuse.
You arise from slumber, and rush to the mirror
the result is pleasing, it sure did deliver.
A smooth golden glow, brown as a conker,
But then you see it, oh what a plonker...
In the crevice of each finger,
that telltale orange stain doth linger.
Scrub as you might those marks wont fade,
evidence of the mistake you made.
As you come to accept your loss,

your only options now are thus.
To your parlour do you retreat?
Don a glove, or admit defeat?
Your tan is false and now they know,
Your act of folly, forever your foe.

Kim K knows...

 

How not to get a black eye...

As more of a lover than a fighter I have managed to survive almost 26 years on this planet without coming to blows with another human being. So imagine my annoyance when I wake up on Sunday morning with a shiner that had nothing to do with the hand of another, but with my own idiocy? After a particularly trying weekend I partied a little too hard and managed to smash my cheekbone into the floor. If it weren't for my particularly fleshy cheek I quite honestly think I would have shattered the bone... I will never bemoan their chubbiness again.

Before and after...

Those who know me are aware that I often move too hastily which more than occasionally results in me slipping/turning too fast into a door/walking into a wall etc. (my cousin referred to me as the real life Mr Bean, so elegant...) I would do well to consider paying more attention to my chosen path....



This week I intend to detox, focus and stay away from the self destruct button...but until this bruise dissipates (currently it is worsening...) I shall either utilise the staying power of my new MAC concealer or just make the most of my time looking like a bad-ass.

Eight rules for a successful shopping trip.

It's no secret that we women like to buy shiny new things from time to time but for the inexperienced, shopping can be a harrowing task. Getting excited about a pair of pants you saw in Grazia and then finally trying them on to find that they make your arse put Kim K's to shame, or give you toe of the camel variety, can be likened to going on a first date with a hot guy you have only seen a picture of and discover they are only 5ft 3.

So here are some rules I try to abide by to make the whole ordeal more palatable.

1. Always do your hair and make-up before heading out. Now I'm not saying get a curly blow and glue your falsies on, that would be ridiculous, but at least look half decent. Mirrors are bloody everywhere in shops and we can often look past how nice an outfit is when the face staring back at you in the mirror looks like it belongs under a rock.

2. If you're having a fat day it's not the time to see if you could pull of leather pants. In fact give anything that isn't a smock a wide berth and go straight in for the shoes. In the words of Toni Collette "shoes always fit". Profound.

3. When purchasing something practical, it is absolutely essential that you also buy something pretty. The universe is all about balance and who are we to go against the universe? For example today I had to buy a new pair of trainers and may have fell into Zara on the way home, where I was greeted by a lone pair of black suede heeled sandals, in my size, of the same numerical value as the trainers and with a fit so sublime it was as though they were moulded with my foot in mind. It just wasn't right to leave them bereft on the shelf.

4. If you are shopping for something specific try to actually purchase that item. That bejeweled hairband may well be lovely but once the shiny new purchase euphoria has worn off you'll be fuming that you still don't have anything to put on your feet that evening. Hang your sparkly head in shame.

5. Don't imagine up an exact outfit and expect it to magically manifest itself on the rails in Topshop. It only exists in your head. Instead have a vague idea of a look you're going for, that way you'll have far more options and won't be throwing a tantrum when you haven't managed to come across the long sleeved, backless, powder blue maxi dress with the low back, lace trim and intricate stitch detail you had your little heart set on.

6. Take coffee breaks regularly. Sorry did I say coffee? I obviously meant wine. Some of my favourite items have been bought whilst slightly inebriated. A general rule of thumb is one glass to every four shops braved. And yes I do count the pit stop into Boots for some green Extra (why would you get blue?) in my shop count.

7. As much as I love shopping I am also rather impatient and do approach it like a woman on a mission. This is where my sixth sense kicks in. Some people can read minds, some can read the future but I have learnt to read shops. I scan the layout, get a feel for the surroundings and instinctively decide whether its worth me scrambling through the rails or not. Try and fine tune this skill, it will save you lots of time and stress. But until you do I basically mean if it's messy or crowded swerve it.

8. Don't shop with too many people. Everyone has different opinions on what they like, it's good to get a different perspective but if you want the weird pants you buy the weird pants! Plus there is that awful moment that you and another friend pick up the same dress and both want it. Then comes the polite "no honestly, you get it" even though secretly they want to dropkick each other in the face, forcing the rest of the group to pick sides. It's just a nightmare for all involved.


It's serious business this shopping malarkey. Whoever coined the term "retail therapy" needs therapy.

10 Valentine's day gifts that won't make you vomit

With just a week to go until St Valentine's day descends many of you people will be flapping about what to buy your other half . Too over the top and you risk them running a mile but too insignificant and they may stick pins in a little voodoo you. Play it safe and go for the comedy gift. Unless they're expecting a proposal or something equally as epic. Then you're screwed.

Anyway here are some gifts that I have come across, there should be something for every relationship...

For the truly heartless

There is only one thing worse than getting your other half nothing for Valentines day, actually buying them nothing. In effect you are going out of your way to build up someones hope and watch their dreams shatter as they unwrap the gift and realise what they have been given. By all means give it a go though, someone may appreciate the joke...

£6.49, Iwantoneofthose.com

For the man who takes care of his member

 

Since they treasure them so much it is only right that they should want to keep them pristine. This kit comes complete with a fluffing brush, grooming scissors, sprucing mirror and even a little necklace to adorn it with once it's ready to hit the town. 

Note that this product is meant to make you feel more confident about your John Thomas, I couldn't help but feel sorry for this poor guy on Amazon:

"Great product but had to have some of the links removed on bracelet. mirror could benefit from more magnification.. "

£8.44, Amazon.co.uk

 For your man-child

 It's a well known fact that boys like to put their penis in things. Buy your guy this and let him have hours of fun making his little mister replace things such as a hotdog and sea serpent...

£6.39, Amazon.co.uk 

Just make sure you don't buy it used...

For OCD ladies

This handy little soap has a side for your face and a side for your intimate area. Never will you rub your fanny on your face again.

 £1.99, Findmeagift.co.uk

For some bath-time music

Rubber ducks in general are a bit shit, but not this duck. This is the iDuck and I want to take a bath with it right now. If only I bloody had one. The iDuck is a wireless floating speaker with a receiver that you connect your iPhone/iPod to. So whether you're bathing solo or getting down to some underwater loving, think of how much better it would be with this duck floating around emitting it's musical love.

£14.49, Iwantoneofthose.com

For Chocolate lovers

What is better than a willy? A CHOCOLATE willy. And not just any chocolate willy. You use the mould to make a cast of your favourite willy, with the permission of the owner of said willy of course. Lets say willy again for good measure. Willy.

£24.95, Prezzybox.com

For the dominatrix

Ok, so it's not exactly 50 Shades of Grey territory but be the master and make your man eat out of this 'MAN' dish like a dog. Plus he'll love it because it fits loads of cereal. Just don your stilettos and make sure he licks the bowl clean.

£14.99, Menkind.co.uk

For the safety conscious

STI's are no laughing matter, and neither is losing important files. WRAP UP and BACK UP. Enforce the idea of safety first with this handy little condom wrapper USB memory drive. Fits nicely in your wallet too, just don't get it mixed up when you're drunk...

£7.99, Amazon.co.uk

For your mysterious girl

 

 Hopefully you will be doing the deed with a sensible and respectable man who carries his own protection but in this day and age it's just good sense to carry your own. You don't just want them just knocking around at the bottom of your handbag however, we ladies have class. Use this compact mirror with its concealed compartment to house your protection. It's the James Bond of rubber sheath holders.

£9.99, Amazon.co.uk

For every man alive

If you really love the man in your life and are feeling flush, I can't think of a better way to show him than by buying him his own beer dispenser. Seriously, swan in with this and you'll get away with anything for the next few months. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that, how much were what shoes? I'll be in now, let me just pour you a pint and serve it to you in my lingerie then we can talk about it...". Never mentioned again.

£184.80, Overstock.com


And if you hadn't decided on a Valentines card yet check out these beauties.

8 beauty trends I wish would die

Have you ever wondered why certain beauty trends catch on when they definitely should never have come to fruition in the first place?

Surely the primary objective when it comes to your beauty regime is to look like a more groomed and glowing version of yourself. If you start out the process looking like a half decent human being and then resemble a Picasso when you're about to leave the house then your regime needs a serious once-over.

 

Here are some trends I wish would go the way of the dinosaur.

 

Power Brows

The first one I feel I must address, as my people are responsible for it and it in turn was the inspiration for this blog, is the infamous 'scouse brow'. Now I am all for a strong, structured brow a la Delvigne, but you need to seriously reassess your mental state if you consider permanent marker brows attractive.

Put the Sharpie down, take a deep breath and walk away.

Bad lashes

No I'm not referring to the the awfully named X Factor rejects, I'm talking about bad false lashes. If you're going to resort to sticking fake bits of hair to your eyes at least do it properly.

When a royal starts to resemble a cast member of The Only Way is Essex you know it's gone too far. What would your Gran say Beatrice?

Ludicrously big hair

As someone with quite a mop of long, naturally straight hair I understand the perils of trying to keep your wig voluminous, the sheer weight alone drags out any kind of style or body. But a little bit of backcombing at the roots and some gentle curling is all anyone needs. Your barnet is not supposed to be rivaling the Eiffel tower.

N.B. Two seconds after this picture was taken a pigeon flew out.

The not-so-subtle art of contouring

Ever since Kim 'Kontour' Kardashian started raving about how she achieves her plastic look (yeah it's just make-up, honestly...) every Tom, Dick and Harriet has been drawing straight lines all over their faces. The idea is to use shading and highlighting to enhance your natural contours. Note the word natural. A stripe of unblended bronzer where a cheekbone should be does not give the illusion of said cheekbone.

Say it with me Lindsay, A line does not a cheekbone make.

Satsuma skin

I've always thought the idea of fake tan was to look as though you've been chilling in the Caribbean for the last two weeks, but it would appear I am mistaken. Oh and don't bother blending your face to your body either...

Unless you've been on holiday to the sun wearing a onesie, no ones buying it love. You look like you've dipped your face in a bowl of wotsits.

Hair extensions

They were ludicrous enough when they first came about but I thought they would have died a death long ago. How wrong I was. I can understand people clipping them in for some extra body if needs must, but for length? What is so wrong with shorter hair? And correct me if I'm labouring under a misapprehension but I was under the impression that hair grows. Yes the results aren't quite as instantaneous but persevere my dears.

There is no bigger turn off than when a guy (or girl, I don't discriminate) seductively runs his hands through your hair only for his hand to get stuck/accidentally yank out your stennys. Not only will it ruin the moment, the pain you will encounter may reflexively make you knee him in the groin. Not generally the foundation of epic romance.

In conclusion; if you absolutely must extend put the glue down and just use clip ins.

Shadow fails

Eyeshadow is about contouring the eyes and enhancing their natural beauty. The keyword when it comes to eyeshadow is blending. If you can't master this, then you should leave well alone. A general rule of thumb is that if you looked better before then you probably shouldn't wear it. It's not rocket science.

Tyra looks like she's just put her hands in the fireplace and sweeped her fingers across her eyelids. It's that bad she can't even smize.

Overzealous application of black shadow will never work. There is a reason Eye of the Panda would never have made it to number 1.

Over-lining the lips

Yes, we'd all probably like slightly juicier lips and a Julia Roberts smile but for the same reason that collagen looks ridiculous if your pout is naturally small, so does drawing a line a centimetre outside of your natural lipline. It's totally disproportionate to your face. Plus we can see your actual mouth in the middle of your drawn on lips, you aren't fooling anyone.

Embrace your rosebud lips. It's either that or look like you've been punched in the mouth, the choice is yours...

Right then, I've said my piece. If you are guilty of any of these crimes against beauty take a long hard look at yourself and stop offending our eyes.

Or you could just combine them all and look like this

 

No-one's laughing now.