Historically women have had a pretty shit deal in comparison to men but as we have progressed and men have realised that we are their superior equal, I for one think it is rather splendid being a woman in a so-called 'mans world'. Now we get to do all the shit that men do but can still use our feminine wiles whenever we fancy. We put up with that crap for years, it is only fair that we get to pull out the damsel in distress when need be.
So next time you start to moan about our hardships (having to wear make-up, dealing with our monthly foe) see them as advantages. Because be honest, painting your face is fun and we'd be livid if someone took away our foundation.
Let's examine then, what it is that makes us the way better sex to be.
We can use how easy it is to make men uncomfortable to our advantage. The great thing about being a woman is that men don't/don't want to understand women and being the intelligent creatures that we are we have learnt to utilise this. There are two things that men can't deal with; tears and our lady time. If you want to get rid of them for a bit either cry about your failed poached egg (what? It RUINED your breakfast) or ask them to go and buy you tampons. These are your get out jail free cards ladies, use them wisely.
We can use make-up to enhance our looks. If you are a guy you pretty much have to accept that this is your face and it will always be your face. But we women can use all sorts of make-up wizardry to make our lashes endless, our skin luminous, our lips juicy and blemishes a thing of myth. Note that I used the word enhance. Obviously most of the time, underneath all the war paint, we all look sublime anyway...well maybe not Barbie.
Our hair is a playground. Our hair may give us a lot of grief but for most of us it is quite literally our crowning glory, so it would devastate us if our options were short, not quite as short or...deep breath...bald. How boring boy hair must be. We can highlight it, cut it, curl it, straighten it, ombre it, plait it (I could go on) whilst combing it slightly more to the left is about as exciting as it gets for guys. All those hot sticks and tongs are not instruments of torture they are our toys. That's not to say it's not a lengthy game. The whole 'just rolled out of bed' look? Yeah we wish, it took half an hour of curling, an hour of waiting for it to drop and a futher 15 minutes of careful teasing so it looks messy not tatty. Suck on that next time you think we haven't made an effort.
We can dance in bars without looking like complete fools. One of the best things about a night out with the girls is getting to drop it like it's hot (even when it probably isn't) and revel in our delusion that for that drunken moment we have the gyrating hips and sexual allure of Beyonce. I'm all for equality but if you're a boy and you do more than a slight sway, you WILL look like a nob. We love Justin Timberlake and pay good money to see him thrust rhythmically at us on stage but if he walked in to a bar and started popping and locking we'd be a little bit sick. It's not the time or the place.
Fashion is much more fun for us. Oh the joy of shopping (on the days when everything seems to fit nicely that is, on those bad days we run the risk of carrying the title arsonist around with us for the rest of our lives), we can experiment with so many prints, shapes, patterns and lengths. We can be sophisticated, girly, sexy, slutty, demure, quirky etc. whilst men can be smart or drum roll.......casual. Take awards ceremonies for example, it's no wonder the focus is always on the women. Here is how the commentary would go otherwise:
"Here comes Brad with Angelina and just look at the cut on that black tux...and here's Leo, looks like he's gone for a charcoal grey suit...oh no sorry, it is black... ohhh but you can always rely on Johnny Depp to push the boundaries. Look at the satin lapel on that black tuxedo, a big risk but it may have just thrown him into the fashion stratosphere..."
We'd be on the edge of our seats...
If we get cold, there is always a mans coat we can wear. When you're planning on dancing the night away, you don't want to be lugging a coat around with you. One of two things will happen; stuff will get spilt on it or you will lose it. Men however will always wear a coat or jumper in winter and out of a sheer desire to be masculine, they will freeze and give it to you at the end of the night. So make your boyfriend take his duffel coat that night or if you're flying solo scope out the guy with the warmest looking outerwear early on and walk to the taxi rank with him. Bonus if he's hot.
We can enjoy candles without being mocked. Man, woman or dog, everyone loves a candle, fact. The way they change the ambience of a room with their pretty little flickering flame and titillate the nostrils with their delicate fragrance. But whilst we can wander round Zara Home smelling every last one thinking long and hard about whether to go for coconut vanilla rather than just standard vanilla, men have to swiftly knock the least feminine one they can find into their trolley during a dash around Asda and pray that the cashier wont see it hidden amongst all the beer. And god forbid they light it when their mates are round, even though secretly all of them are dying to get the matches out.
We don't have to deal with having a penis. I know men probably don't see this as an issue (they bloody love their little soldier) but I cannot get my head around having something of that size attached my crotch for my entire life, especially if that little soldier constantly gave the game away by standing to attention whenever he was, er, happy. And all I can think about is the discomfort. How do they sit on a bike?! Lance Armstrong may have had his medals taken off him for doping but I think he deserves them for simply sitting on the seat for that long. Ouch.
Women can stare all they want and not be pervs. When men leer at women they're considered disgusting and pigs (even George Clooney would lose his charm if he was slobbering over a pair of double d's) but if women eyeball a male adonis it's all in good fun, plus their egos love it. Bit of a double standard but what can you do? Women grow up to be cougars, guys just become dirty old men.
Urinals are gross. Public toilets in general are not the place to hold a gathering but there is nothing more disgusting than the overwhelming stench of a urinal, it actually stings your eyes. Not only that but where is the privacy? Yes women often share a cubical with a friend but we know this person, why should anyone be expected to urinate infront of a complete stranger?! I can sort of understand why guys would rather wee in the street, although I do think that is more out of laziness than a desire to avoid said urinals.
We can drink fruity looking drinks without shame. When summer hits nothing is more refreshing than an ice cold glass of rose or a fruity little cocktail, but for some reason it is just not acceptable for a guy to drink a passionfruit daquiri through a straw. Order a beer or go home.
We hold all the sexual power. As Ross Gellar once wisely pointed out, women can use sex as a weapon. Men are always up for it so if we want it, we have it. If we don't want it however, they don't get it. And then they sulk.
We've always been crafty buggers. Behind every great man and all that...
