1. Someone to deal with the spiders
It's creeping up to the top of the list of things I want in a mate. In fact it is largely becoming a reason I actually want a mate. Seriously, if they can't deal with spiders either what use are they going to be as a protector? After a gargantuan spider invaded my inner santcum the other day I was powerless. It was just me and the beast alone, my cries for help heard by none. The thought of growing old and alone in a world of spiders filled me with far more dread than one of spinsterhood and cats.
2. Two salaries are better than one
Being single in the salary sieve that is London I was always envious of my attached friends and colleagues, but not for romantic reasons. Purely financial ones. Yes, cuddles on cold winter nights would have been nice (see #5) but had I been splitting the cost of rent I could have afforded to put the radiator on. They got cuddles AND central heating. I got to cry into my four jumpers.
3. There is a person obliged to do stuff with you
Not even the sexy stuff, just stuff. Whether it's boring errands you don't want to run on your own or going to watch a film or play you're desperate to see, regardless of whether they want to they HAVE to suck it up and accompany you. It's an unwritten law.
4. Sex on tap
Lets face it, men are never saying no so whenever you fancy a bit it's yours for the taking.
5. Cuddles on tap
The innocent younger sibling of sex - the cuddle - is wildly underrated. Sometimes there is nothing more comforting than wrapping your arms around a big hunk of man, they're just so bloody cosy. Sadly pillows are neither warm nor cuddle back.
6. They provide endless entertainment
Personally I like my men to be witty and a little sarcastic (which can drastically backfire in a heated discussion when I SO want to be annoyed but am secretly impressed with their clever retort) but whether they mean to be or not, they are humorous creatures. Sorry, you touched the iron to see if it was on and blistered your finger? Dying.
7. They are our guinea pigs
They'll do all the shit we're scared to do simply because we ask them and their male pride can't say no. That disgusting but intriguing looking canape? They're eating it.
8. They're your get out of jail free card
Your distant cousins baby shower? Awww as much as you would have LOVED to spend the afternoon drinking alcohol free champagne (sacrilege) and rejoicing over nappy dispensers, the boyfriend's (insert relative here) is visiting. What a bummer.
9. It gets people off your back
Be it the cretins who linger around you on a night out or your relatives wondering if you've managed to establish yourself as a proper grown-up human by being in relationship... Whatever the reason, the words "I've got a boyfriend" seem to be enough to shut people up.
10. They'll always give us their coats
They may moan when we refuse to wear a coat when heading out. but it tugs at their heartstrings (and their ego) when they see us shivering away whilst they're nice and toasty in their man jacket. In our defence we DO feel a bit guilty watching them freeze their bollocks off for us. Not enough to make us bring a coat in the first place but it's there.
And finally...
11. Love
There, I said it. Kill me now but the only real reason we want someone to share everything with is love. I would imagine there is no better feeling in this world than being truly loved by someone, and equally there is nothing as crushing as a love unrequited. As Ewan McGregor said in Moulin Rouge "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Nail. On. Head.
