So here are some rules I try to abide by to make the whole ordeal more palatable.
1. Always do your hair and make-up before heading out. Now I'm not saying get a curly blow and glue your falsies on, that would be ridiculous, but at least look half decent. Mirrors are bloody everywhere in shops and we can often look past how nice an outfit is when the face staring back at you in the mirror looks like it belongs under a rock.
2. If you're having a fat day it's not the time to see if you could pull of leather pants. In fact give anything that isn't a smock a wide berth and go straight in for the shoes. In the words of Toni Collette "shoes always fit". Profound.
3. When purchasing something practical, it is absolutely essential that you also buy something pretty. The universe is all about balance and who are we to go against the universe? For example today I had to buy a new pair of trainers and may have fell into Zara on the way home, where I was greeted by a lone pair of black suede heeled sandals, in my size, of the same numerical value as the trainers and with a fit so sublime it was as though they were moulded with my foot in mind. It just wasn't right to leave them bereft on the shelf.
4. If you are shopping for something specific try to actually purchase that item. That bejeweled hairband may well be lovely but once the shiny new purchase euphoria has worn off you'll be fuming that you still don't have anything to put on your feet that evening. Hang your sparkly head in shame.
5. Don't imagine up an exact outfit and expect it to magically manifest itself on the rails in Topshop. It only exists in your head. Instead have a vague idea of a look you're going for, that way you'll have far more options and won't be throwing a tantrum when you haven't managed to come across the long sleeved, backless, powder blue maxi dress with the low back, lace trim and intricate stitch detail you had your little heart set on.
6. Take coffee breaks regularly. Sorry did I say coffee? I obviously meant wine. Some of my favourite items have been bought whilst slightly inebriated. A general rule of thumb is one glass to every four shops braved. And yes I do count the pit stop into Boots for some green Extra (why would you get blue?) in my shop count.
7. As much as I love shopping I am also rather impatient and do approach it like a woman on a mission. This is where my sixth sense kicks in. Some people can read minds, some can read the future but I have learnt to read shops. I scan the layout, get a feel for the surroundings and instinctively decide whether its worth me scrambling through the rails or not. Try and fine tune this skill, it will save you lots of time and stress. But until you do I basically mean if it's messy or crowded swerve it.
8. Don't shop with too many people. Everyone has different opinions on what they like, it's good to get a different perspective but if you want the weird pants you buy the weird pants! Plus there is that awful moment that you and another friend pick up the same dress and both want it. Then comes the polite "no honestly, you get it" even though secretly they want to dropkick each other in the face, forcing the rest of the group to pick sides. It's just a nightmare for all involved.
It's serious business this shopping malarkey. Whoever coined the term "retail therapy" needs therapy.
