10 things to do to amuse yourself on public transport...

Most people don't particularly like travelling on public transport, and yes when I am tired, cranky and don't fancy resting my head in a strangers armpit first thing in the morning I am one of them, but we may be missing a trick. The delightful world of public transport can provide endless entertainment. 

Now you could pass the time by reading a book or listening to music, but why do that when you could do these...

1. Play musical armrest. Seats on the tube come with armrests. Now you may be lucky enough to snag a seat but can you hit the jackpot and get an armrest too? If you do, high five to your double whammy. If not however, this is where musical armrest steps in. Bide your time and wait patiently until your neighbour removes their arm to get out a book/change a song/attend to a wedgie and then swoop in like a ninja. Be alert though, musical armrest works both ways...

2. Search for wifi connections, some of the names are brilliant. A friend gave me this idea upon discovering that her neighbours wifi was called "Pretty Fly for a Wifi". Once whilst on the bus stuck in traffic my phone gave me two options: "Big Booty Bitches" and "Christ the Saviour". I went with Jesus, I figured he'd probably have a better connection.

3. Be a seat tease. If you have a seat on crowded public transport it's fair to say most of those standing will hate you a little, but none more so than the seat vultures. They will make a shrewd assessment based on dress/age/demeanor and use this information to decide a persons likely postcode and point of departure. Only then will they place their bets and hover by the right person, ready to edge in, arse first. I like to have fun with them. Watch the vein pop out of their forehead and see how excited they get as soon as you make motions to leave, putting your book away, picking up your bag, maybe even standing to adjust your outfit. Their anger and confusion when you reach the next stop but instead of vacating just settle back into your seat is priceless.

4. Maintain eye contact with someone and watch them freak out. Now I should stress that it is important to also adopt a neutral facial expression when doing this. You're aiming for harmless weirdo not creepy stalker or sexual predator.

5. Grin for the entire journey. Not at anyone or anything in particular, just plaster a grin on your face and appear to be having a ball inside of your own head. Not only will it release endorphins (go on, try fake smiling for 10 seconds and you will actually feel happier) it will unnerve people. People who smile too much creep me out. I decided that sometimes it is fun to be one of those people.
 

6. Stand by the person who is playing their (almost always horrendous) music ridiculously loud and dance/sing along until they get the hint. Or just tut and sigh loudly as is the British way.

7. Practice an accent. If someone talks to you, talk back in an accent of your choosing. Change it at random and see if they notice. I've learnt that the only accents I can successfully do are Cockney, The Queen's English, Irish, West Country and American. Almost everything else sounds Indian. Spanish? Indian. Jamaican? Indian. Oddly enough however when I attempt an Indian accent it sounds Welsh...

8. Listen to the person talking ridiculously loud on the phone and recreate the other side of the conversation. There is a whole world of possibility. You can do this in your head or even out loud, just prepare for a punch.

9. Surf. When standing don't hold on for support, bend your knees use your stomach muscles and attempt to stay upright. The satisfaction of successfully surfing a particularly sharp bend or bump in the road is unparalleled. And If you fall into someones lap so be it.

10. Drink. Alcohol makes everything more fun.

Or make like this guy...

Eight rules for a successful shopping trip.

It's no secret that we women like to buy shiny new things from time to time but for the inexperienced, shopping can be a harrowing task. Getting excited about a pair of pants you saw in Grazia and then finally trying them on to find that they make your arse put Kim K's to shame, or give you toe of the camel variety, can be likened to going on a first date with a hot guy you have only seen a picture of and discover they are only 5ft 3.

So here are some rules I try to abide by to make the whole ordeal more palatable.

1. Always do your hair and make-up before heading out. Now I'm not saying get a curly blow and glue your falsies on, that would be ridiculous, but at least look half decent. Mirrors are bloody everywhere in shops and we can often look past how nice an outfit is when the face staring back at you in the mirror looks like it belongs under a rock.

2. If you're having a fat day it's not the time to see if you could pull of leather pants. In fact give anything that isn't a smock a wide berth and go straight in for the shoes. In the words of Toni Collette "shoes always fit". Profound.

3. When purchasing something practical, it is absolutely essential that you also buy something pretty. The universe is all about balance and who are we to go against the universe? For example today I had to buy a new pair of trainers and may have fell into Zara on the way home, where I was greeted by a lone pair of black suede heeled sandals, in my size, of the same numerical value as the trainers and with a fit so sublime it was as though they were moulded with my foot in mind. It just wasn't right to leave them bereft on the shelf.

4. If you are shopping for something specific try to actually purchase that item. That bejeweled hairband may well be lovely but once the shiny new purchase euphoria has worn off you'll be fuming that you still don't have anything to put on your feet that evening. Hang your sparkly head in shame.

5. Don't imagine up an exact outfit and expect it to magically manifest itself on the rails in Topshop. It only exists in your head. Instead have a vague idea of a look you're going for, that way you'll have far more options and won't be throwing a tantrum when you haven't managed to come across the long sleeved, backless, powder blue maxi dress with the low back, lace trim and intricate stitch detail you had your little heart set on.

6. Take coffee breaks regularly. Sorry did I say coffee? I obviously meant wine. Some of my favourite items have been bought whilst slightly inebriated. A general rule of thumb is one glass to every four shops braved. And yes I do count the pit stop into Boots for some green Extra (why would you get blue?) in my shop count.

7. As much as I love shopping I am also rather impatient and do approach it like a woman on a mission. This is where my sixth sense kicks in. Some people can read minds, some can read the future but I have learnt to read shops. I scan the layout, get a feel for the surroundings and instinctively decide whether its worth me scrambling through the rails or not. Try and fine tune this skill, it will save you lots of time and stress. But until you do I basically mean if it's messy or crowded swerve it.

8. Don't shop with too many people. Everyone has different opinions on what they like, it's good to get a different perspective but if you want the weird pants you buy the weird pants! Plus there is that awful moment that you and another friend pick up the same dress and both want it. Then comes the polite "no honestly, you get it" even though secretly they want to dropkick each other in the face, forcing the rest of the group to pick sides. It's just a nightmare for all involved.


It's serious business this shopping malarkey. Whoever coined the term "retail therapy" needs therapy.