Have you ever wondered why certain beauty trends catch on when they definitely should never have come to fruition in the first place?
Surely the primary objective when it comes to your beauty regime is to look like a more groomed and glowing version of yourself. If you start out the process looking like a half decent human being and then resemble a Picasso when you're about to leave the house then your regime needs a serious once-over.
Here are some trends I wish would go the way of the dinosaur.
Power Brows
The first one I feel I must address, as my people are responsible for it and it in turn was the inspiration for this blog, is the infamous 'scouse brow'. Now I am all for a strong, structured brow a la Delvigne, but you need to seriously reassess your mental state if you consider permanent marker brows attractive.
Put the Sharpie down, take a deep breath and walk away.
Bad lashes
No I'm not referring to the the awfully named X Factor rejects, I'm talking about bad false lashes. If you're going to resort to sticking fake bits of hair to your eyes at least do it properly.
When a royal
starts to resemble a cast member of The Only Way is Essex you know it's
gone too far. What would your Gran say Beatrice?
Ludicrously big hair
As someone with quite a mop of long, naturally straight hair I understand the perils of trying to keep your wig voluminous, the sheer weight alone drags out any kind of style or body. But a little bit of backcombing at the roots and some gentle curling is all anyone needs. Your barnet is not supposed to be rivaling the Eiffel tower.
N.B. Two seconds after this picture was taken a pigeon flew out.
The not-so-subtle art of contouring
Ever since Kim 'Kontour' Kardashian started raving about how she achieves her plastic look (yeah it's just make-up, honestly...) every Tom, Dick and Harriet has been drawing straight lines all over their faces. The idea is to use shading and highlighting to enhance your natural contours. Note the word natural. A stripe of unblended bronzer where a cheekbone should be does not give the illusion of said cheekbone.
Say it with me Lindsay, A line does not a cheekbone make.
Satsuma skin
I've always thought the idea of fake tan was to look as though you've been chilling in the Caribbean for the last two weeks, but it would appear I am mistaken. Oh and don't bother blending your face to your body either...
Unless you've been on holiday to the sun wearing a onesie, no ones buying it love. You look like you've dipped your face in a bowl of wotsits.
Hair extensions
They were ludicrous enough when they first came about but I thought they would have died a death long ago. How wrong I was. I can understand people clipping them in for some extra body if needs must, but for length? What is so wrong with shorter hair? And correct me if I'm labouring under a misapprehension but I was under the impression that hair grows. Yes the results aren't quite as instantaneous but persevere my dears.
There is no bigger turn off than when a guy (or girl, I don't discriminate) seductively runs his hands through your hair only for his hand to get stuck/accidentally yank out your stennys. Not only will it ruin the moment, the pain you will encounter may reflexively make you knee him in the groin. Not generally the foundation of epic romance.
In conclusion; if you absolutely must extend put the glue down and just use clip ins.
Shadow fails
Eyeshadow is about contouring the eyes and enhancing their natural beauty. The keyword when it comes to eyeshadow is blending. If you can't master this, then you should leave well alone. A general rule of thumb is that if you looked better before then you probably shouldn't wear it. It's not rocket science.
Tyra looks like she's just put her hands in the fireplace and sweeped her fingers across her eyelids. It's that bad she can't even smize.
Overzealous application of black shadow will never work. There is a reason Eye of the Panda would never have made it to number 1.
Over-lining the lips
Yes, we'd all probably like slightly juicier lips and a Julia Roberts smile but for the same reason that collagen looks ridiculous if your pout is naturally small, so does drawing a line a centimetre outside of your natural lipline. It's totally disproportionate to your face. Plus we can see your actual mouth in the middle of your drawn on lips, you aren't fooling anyone.
Embrace your rosebud lips. It's either that or look like you've been punched in the mouth, the choice is yours...
Right then, I've said my piece. If you are guilty of any of these crimes against beauty take a long hard look at yourself and stop offending our eyes.
Or you could just combine them all and look like this
No-one's laughing now.
