10 things to do to amuse yourself on public transport...

Most people don't particularly like travelling on public transport, and yes when I am tired, cranky and don't fancy resting my head in a strangers armpit first thing in the morning I am one of them, but we may be missing a trick. The delightful world of public transport can provide endless entertainment. 

Now you could pass the time by reading a book or listening to music, but why do that when you could do these...

1. Play musical armrest. Seats on the tube come with armrests. Now you may be lucky enough to snag a seat but can you hit the jackpot and get an armrest too? If you do, high five to your double whammy. If not however, this is where musical armrest steps in. Bide your time and wait patiently until your neighbour removes their arm to get out a book/change a song/attend to a wedgie and then swoop in like a ninja. Be alert though, musical armrest works both ways...

2. Search for wifi connections, some of the names are brilliant. A friend gave me this idea upon discovering that her neighbours wifi was called "Pretty Fly for a Wifi". Once whilst on the bus stuck in traffic my phone gave me two options: "Big Booty Bitches" and "Christ the Saviour". I went with Jesus, I figured he'd probably have a better connection.

3. Be a seat tease. If you have a seat on crowded public transport it's fair to say most of those standing will hate you a little, but none more so than the seat vultures. They will make a shrewd assessment based on dress/age/demeanor and use this information to decide a persons likely postcode and point of departure. Only then will they place their bets and hover by the right person, ready to edge in, arse first. I like to have fun with them. Watch the vein pop out of their forehead and see how excited they get as soon as you make motions to leave, putting your book away, picking up your bag, maybe even standing to adjust your outfit. Their anger and confusion when you reach the next stop but instead of vacating just settle back into your seat is priceless.

4. Maintain eye contact with someone and watch them freak out. Now I should stress that it is important to also adopt a neutral facial expression when doing this. You're aiming for harmless weirdo not creepy stalker or sexual predator.

5. Grin for the entire journey. Not at anyone or anything in particular, just plaster a grin on your face and appear to be having a ball inside of your own head. Not only will it release endorphins (go on, try fake smiling for 10 seconds and you will actually feel happier) it will unnerve people. People who smile too much creep me out. I decided that sometimes it is fun to be one of those people.
 

6. Stand by the person who is playing their (almost always horrendous) music ridiculously loud and dance/sing along until they get the hint. Or just tut and sigh loudly as is the British way.

7. Practice an accent. If someone talks to you, talk back in an accent of your choosing. Change it at random and see if they notice. I've learnt that the only accents I can successfully do are Cockney, The Queen's English, Irish, West Country and American. Almost everything else sounds Indian. Spanish? Indian. Jamaican? Indian. Oddly enough however when I attempt an Indian accent it sounds Welsh...

8. Listen to the person talking ridiculously loud on the phone and recreate the other side of the conversation. There is a whole world of possibility. You can do this in your head or even out loud, just prepare for a punch.

9. Surf. When standing don't hold on for support, bend your knees use your stomach muscles and attempt to stay upright. The satisfaction of successfully surfing a particularly sharp bend or bump in the road is unparalleled. And If you fall into someones lap so be it.

10. Drink. Alcohol makes everything more fun.

Or make like this guy...