10 things to do to amuse yourself on public transport...

Most people don't particularly like travelling on public transport, and yes when I am tired, cranky and don't fancy resting my head in a strangers armpit first thing in the morning I am one of them, but we may be missing a trick. The delightful world of public transport can provide endless entertainment. 

Now you could pass the time by reading a book or listening to music, but why do that when you could do these...

1. Play musical armrest. Seats on the tube come with armrests. Now you may be lucky enough to snag a seat but can you hit the jackpot and get an armrest too? If you do, high five to your double whammy. If not however, this is where musical armrest steps in. Bide your time and wait patiently until your neighbour removes their arm to get out a book/change a song/attend to a wedgie and then swoop in like a ninja. Be alert though, musical armrest works both ways...

2. Search for wifi connections, some of the names are brilliant. A friend gave me this idea upon discovering that her neighbours wifi was called "Pretty Fly for a Wifi". Once whilst on the bus stuck in traffic my phone gave me two options: "Big Booty Bitches" and "Christ the Saviour". I went with Jesus, I figured he'd probably have a better connection.

3. Be a seat tease. If you have a seat on crowded public transport it's fair to say most of those standing will hate you a little, but none more so than the seat vultures. They will make a shrewd assessment based on dress/age/demeanor and use this information to decide a persons likely postcode and point of departure. Only then will they place their bets and hover by the right person, ready to edge in, arse first. I like to have fun with them. Watch the vein pop out of their forehead and see how excited they get as soon as you make motions to leave, putting your book away, picking up your bag, maybe even standing to adjust your outfit. Their anger and confusion when you reach the next stop but instead of vacating just settle back into your seat is priceless.

4. Maintain eye contact with someone and watch them freak out. Now I should stress that it is important to also adopt a neutral facial expression when doing this. You're aiming for harmless weirdo not creepy stalker or sexual predator.

5. Grin for the entire journey. Not at anyone or anything in particular, just plaster a grin on your face and appear to be having a ball inside of your own head. Not only will it release endorphins (go on, try fake smiling for 10 seconds and you will actually feel happier) it will unnerve people. People who smile too much creep me out. I decided that sometimes it is fun to be one of those people.
 

6. Stand by the person who is playing their (almost always horrendous) music ridiculously loud and dance/sing along until they get the hint. Or just tut and sigh loudly as is the British way.

7. Practice an accent. If someone talks to you, talk back in an accent of your choosing. Change it at random and see if they notice. I've learnt that the only accents I can successfully do are Cockney, The Queen's English, Irish, West Country and American. Almost everything else sounds Indian. Spanish? Indian. Jamaican? Indian. Oddly enough however when I attempt an Indian accent it sounds Welsh...

8. Listen to the person talking ridiculously loud on the phone and recreate the other side of the conversation. There is a whole world of possibility. You can do this in your head or even out loud, just prepare for a punch.

9. Surf. When standing don't hold on for support, bend your knees use your stomach muscles and attempt to stay upright. The satisfaction of successfully surfing a particularly sharp bend or bump in the road is unparalleled. And If you fall into someones lap so be it.

10. Drink. Alcohol makes everything more fun.

Or make like this guy...

Why YOUR art really does matter...

Exposing yourself to people is never easy (emotionally not physically, the latter is surprisingly so and, depending on the circumstance, may get you arrested…) but someone wise told me that to truly excel in your craft you have to take a big old metaphorical knife, slice open your chest and spill your heart, guts and everything else in-between out. Not my liver though, I'll be requiring that for all the wine I'll need after posting this…

I used to think that "your art matters" was just a cheesy line that Lucas used to tell Peyton in nearly every single episode of One Tree Hill but now I realise that the teenage boy, who quite literally narrated his way through life like a middle aged agony aunt, may have had a point.

When an actor convinces you that their heart has broken on stage, it is an echo of when it has truly been broken before. Or when a vocalist sends shivers to your core it is not necessarily through technique but because you can feel their ache in every note. All art expresses the inner workings of the artists mind. To say that it doesn't matter means that person doesn't matter. YOUR art matters because YOU matter. 

If I had a penny for every time I have discarded a draft of a song/script/article because I didn't think it was good enough or I was too scared to put myself out there in fear of what people would think about me, my piggy bank wouldn't be sitting so forlornly on my windowsill begging to be fed. But writing and singing liberates me, and I shouldn't have to sacrifice my joy so as not to offend someone who probably doesn't care anyway or (shock, horror!) may even enjoy it.

My writing is a lot like my character. Jovial, sarcastic and lighthearted often belying what's really going on in my silly anxiety-ridden head. The thought of sharing what I've written about subjects that really mean something to me with the world brings me out in a cold sweat. And similarly when I sing I feel completely vulnerable. But why should I be embarrassed about how I feel? Most people, unless made of stone, will have felt extremes of elation, despair and everything else in-between. We only truly engage with art when we feel an affinity with it.

Three things I have come to learn are:

1. The majority of people don't care as much as you think. Whether that's good or bad they really don't. Generally most people are too consumed in their own lives to give more than a passing glance to yours. So sod it!
2. Your art should be for you. Are you happy with it? That's all that counts. If someone else enjoys it great, but equally don't let somebody's inability to see your value decrease your worth. And if they hate it enough to pass judgement at least you inspired a reaction.
3. If no one had the courage to bother there would be no art and that would make for a pretty bleak world.

The beautiful thing about art is that it is completely subjective. The legendary Beethoven said: "To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable" and I couldn't agree more. For me when it comes to passion vs perfection, passion always prevails.

10 things every twenty-something woman needs in her arsenal…

You should all know by now that your twenties is a big old battlefield. Guys, friends, work; shit is always about to hit the proverbial fan.  But we don't have to power through weaponless. That would just be silly. Here are ten things that every twenty-something woman should possess to call upon in times of need...

The perfect red lipstick

Every woman NEEDS to don a red lip every now and again and trust us, there is a shade for everyone. If you're having a confidence crisis nothing will empower you more than slicking on that perfect red; it is the colour of passion, power and desire after all. As burlesque goddess Dita Von Teese said, "Heels and red lipstick will put the fear of God into people". So strut down the street, pout first, and watch the world weep.

  

A power song

Picture Rocky having a bit of a bad day or feeling a tad deflated. Now imagine how he would feel if 'Eye of the Tiger' came blasting though his earphones at that exact moment? He'd be at the top of those stairs faster than Mr T could say, "I pity the fool". Every woman should have a power song that encourages them to take on the world when all they want to do is curl up in bed and watch back to back episodes of Girls. It can be absolutely anything, as long as it makes you shake it off like Taylor Swift and put your 'bad-ass' hat on.

An older (and wiser) friend

The simple fact is that in our twenties (possibly even our thirties) we will not have our sh*t together. An older and more knowledgeable female friend will serve to remind us of this when we dramatically proclaim that our lives are falling apart. Whatever predicament you find yourself in you can be certain that she will have been there, done that, and have the pinot grigio induced scars to prove it. Sure, we have to face those obstacles and learn the lessons for ourselves, but having a strong and fabulous female mentor helping to guide us through the maze can be a godsend.

 

A signature dish

Women (and men too) should all have one dish - and if you want to go totally crazy, a dessert too - that they can execute to perfection. This will ensure that the idea of an impromptu dinner party or cooking for the in-laws doesn't bring you out in a cold sweat. Plus it's nice to believe that if 'Come Dine With Me' came knocking your home-made lasagne and banoffee pie combination would quite clearly take the prize.

A good bookshelf

We're not talking about the actual bookshelf - you may be Team Kindle - we're referring to what's in it. The more you read, the more you know and the euphoric feeling of getting just one question right on University Challenge is one that should not be overlooked. Not only does reading provide escapism, it expands your vocabulary and helps hone all those witty retorts you'll undoubtedly need at one point or another. Which brings us to our next one…

A sharp wit

Everyone hates thinking "oh I wish I had said that" whilst fretting about an incident when someone made you feel inferior (damn you hindsight), but mastering the ability to deliver a clever comeback is one that will do wonders for your confidence. It's not easy to stand up for yourself when you feel two feet tall but trust us, afterwards you will feel like Jack Dawson, arms spread, standing at the front of the Titanic. As J.K. Rowling wrote in Harry Potter, "Wit beyond measure is a man's greatest treasure". When has JK ever steered us wrong?

 

A beautiful pair of well-fitting heels

Is there any greater joy than slipping your feet into a sexy pair of skyscrapers to discover that you can stand in them AND they are actually (dare you say it?) comfortable…or as comfortable as a 4-inch heel can be. The late, great Marilyn once said, "Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world". The perfect pair will make you feel as sexy as hell (is hell sexy?...) as soon as the ball of your foot hits the ground.

 

A great pair of sunglasses

Squinting is not a good look, and for that reason alone every lady should own a pair of spectacular sunnies, but it's not just about UV protection. A decent pair of sunglasses can perk up a face in an instant; especially if you've been a dirty stop out running on two hours sleep or manage to get a black eye... They don't have to be ludicrously expensive, as long as you find the right shape for your face a Primark pair will work a treat.

A signature scent

It's fun to mix it up every now and then, but most of us have that one perfume that we keep going back to. Sure we'll have the occasional fling with a spicy little number, but nothing beats that old classic. We all know the stirring of nostalgia we feel when we're going about our daily business and suddenly get a whiff of a scent that reminds us of a certain someone. Good or bad, smell evokes memory and can say a lot about the wearer. A signature scent is a great way to leave your stamp.

A sense of humour

A good sense of humour is truly one of the best things you can possess. We've all made a spectacle of ourselves from time to time, be it face-planting at the feet of the guy we fancy or dancing a little too aggressively and being escorted out of a club for accidentally drop kicking the DJs laptop. Even if you're dying on the inside just keep on laughing and the world will laugh with you, not at you. Hey, if it worked for Jennifer Lawrence…

11 REAL reasons girls want a boyfriend...

Being a woman in your twenties is no easy feat. If you're single people think it's ok to ask why (it's not), and if you're in a relationship then where's the ring? There is a general assumption  that women are so desperate for marriage and babies that they are willing to be tied down into a lifelong contract and impregnated by any Tom, Dick or Harry. Now admittedly most girls would find enjoyment in having a boyfriend, but there are a lot of practical reasons to having a partner that shouldn't be overlooked…


1. Someone to deal with the spiders

It's creeping up to the top of the list of things I want in a mate. In fact it is largely becoming a reason I actually want a mate. Seriously, if they can't deal with spiders either what use are they going to be as a protector? After a gargantuan spider invaded my inner santcum the other day I was powerless. It was just me and the beast alone, my cries for help heard by none. The thought of growing old and alone in a world of spiders filled me with far more dread than one of spinsterhood and cats.

2. Two salaries are better than one

Being single in the salary sieve that is London I was always envious of my attached friends and colleagues, but not for romantic reasons. Purely financial ones. Yes, cuddles on cold winter nights would have been nice (see #5) but had I been splitting the cost of rent I could have afforded to put the radiator on. They got cuddles AND central heating. I got to cry into my four jumpers.

3. There is a person obliged to do stuff with you

Not even the sexy stuff, just stuff. Whether it's boring errands you don't want to run on your own or going to watch a film or play you're desperate to see, regardless of whether they want to they HAVE to suck it up and accompany you. It's an unwritten law.

4. Sex on tap

Lets face it, men are never saying no so whenever you fancy a bit it's yours for the taking.

5. Cuddles on tap

The innocent younger sibling of sex - the cuddle - is wildly underrated. Sometimes there is nothing more comforting than wrapping your arms around a big hunk of man, they're just so bloody cosy. Sadly pillows are neither warm nor cuddle back.

6. They provide endless entertainment

Personally I like my men to be witty and a little sarcastic (which can drastically backfire in a heated discussion when I SO want to be annoyed but am secretly impressed with their clever retort) but whether they mean to be or not, they are humorous creatures. Sorry, you touched the iron to see if it was on and blistered your finger? Dying.

7. They are our guinea pigs 

They'll do all the shit we're scared to do simply because we ask them and their male pride can't say no. That disgusting but intriguing looking canape? They're eating it.

8. They're your get out of jail free card

Your distant cousins baby shower? Awww as much as you would have LOVED to spend the afternoon drinking alcohol free champagne (sacrilege) and rejoicing over nappy dispensers, the boyfriend's (insert relative here) is visiting. What a bummer.

9. It gets people off your back

Be it the cretins who linger around you on a night out or your relatives wondering if you've managed to establish yourself as a proper grown-up human by being in relationship... Whatever the reason, the words "I've got a boyfriend" seem to be enough to shut people up.

10. They'll always give us their coats 

They may moan when we refuse to wear a coat when heading out. but it tugs at their heartstrings (and their ego) when they see us shivering away whilst they're nice and toasty in their man jacket. In our defence we DO feel a bit guilty watching them freeze their bollocks off for us. Not enough to make us bring a coat in the first place but it's there.

And finally...

11. Love 

There, I said it. Kill me now but the only real reason we want someone to share everything with is love. I would imagine there is no better feeling in this world than being truly loved by someone, and equally there is nothing as crushing as a love unrequited. As Ewan McGregor said in Moulin Rouge "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Nail. On. Head.

Why comparison really IS the thief of joy...

A couple of weeks ago I was indulging in some casual quote reading (I love a profound quote) when I came across one that stuck with me. Theodore Roosevelt once surmised that "comparison is the thief of joy." Theo old chap, you weren't wrong...


The first example of this that popped into my head was food envy. I have, on more than one occasion, waited for my dining partner to order and simply chosen the same to avoid the sadness of food envy. Unless the other person orders a dish with fruit on (ie. Hawaiian pizza *shudder*), then I'm ALWAYS the winner. Sometimes menus are the devil, with their abundance of delectable options. After much deliberation, you finally manage to narrow it down. Now there are just two strong contenders vying to be your nutrition for the evening. One decision is all that's between you and a satisfied palate. One of them has just tipped the balance when BAM! Your friend chooses the dish you were about to cast aside. Then come the dreads. Never have you been more unsure of yourself. What if the other dish is a gastronomical triumph and you're left with a flaccid slab of lasagne? It could quite literally leave a sour taste in your mouth for the whole evening.




Why is it that we can be perfectly happy, and actually rather content, with our joy quota until we see someone else who appears to be experiencing a little bit MORE joy. And just like that our joy is shit, we want their joy. Our joy is now so pitiful that it may as well be misery.

Social media (I'm looking at you Facebook and Instagram) definitely perpetuates this tendency to compare ourselves to our peers, but you need to take a step back and realise that what you are witnessing is a completely edited version of a person's life. The photo-shopped version if you will. You may be salivating over the picture of the artfully arranged eggs Benedict creation rolling around Sally's belly this morning, courtesy of some poncy eatery (a lot of my envy involves food it would seem…), but what Sally DIDN'T Instagram was the burnt fried eggs, beans, and oven chips combination that she wolfed down the previous evening. And nothing is sadder than a solid yolk.

We've always done it though. Us humans just can't help ourselves. In the olden days before the creation of the world wide web we'd compare ourselves with the neighbours. "Have you seen Gill's garden? Look at her new bush. Alison always had the biggest bush on the block but Gill's bush is definitely bigger than Alison's bush..."

I bet once upon a time Sir Lancelot had acquired a new courser (yeah, I did my horse research) and was feeling pretty damn good about his trusty steed until King Arthur galloped around the corner on his destrier stallion. "Take that Lancy," thought Arthur, "my horse is bigger than your horse."

So basically, stop doing a comparethemarket.com on your life. And remember, no matter what you do there will always be someone doing (or appearing to do) it better. Don't fret however, there will also be a large number of people doing it far worse.

As Oscar Wilde said; "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." Morale of the tale; *puts on Oprah voice* stop trying to be the best. Just be the best version of you...

What happened to men you say? What the hell happened to women?!…

As women of the 21st century we often question what has become of men. We pine for the chivalrous and well dressed men of yesteryear who will hold open our door and be delighted with nothing more than a kiss at the end of a night.  Recently however I have found myself wondering what also has become of women? What happened to the elegance of women such as Lauren Bacall and Ava Gardner, the golden days when Rita Hayworth slowly removing a long sleeved glove was deemed provocative? These days we can't turn the page of a magazine without being subjected to a pair of famous nipples or a celebrity crotch. We've become so desensitised to risque dressing that it's merely a matter of time before one of them strolls bollock naked down a red carpet. My money's on Rihanna…

This brings me to the reason I felt compelled to write about this. The new Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea collaboration "Booty". I had a vague idea of what to expect as I fired up my laptop to watch the sexually charged video but this was beyond ridiculous. Needless to say my reaction grew from slightly unimpressed to rather annoyed with every frame. Maybe the narrative went over my head but it goes something like, J-Lo shakes her arse, Iggy shakes her arse, Iggy and J-Lo rub their arses together, oh then they're soaking wet (but still shaking their arses) for no good reason… 

I have read many articles recently about the continual objectification of women, but I find it difficult to berate men for objectifying us when women in positions of power are consistently putting out imagery which essentially asks them to do just that. I understand and wholeheartedly agree that women should have the freedom to do whatever and dress however they want, permitting it is legal, but at what point is it female empowerment as opposed to objectification? I'm at a loss to see how this is supposed to be empowering for women.

I'm all for celebrating the female form and believe that nudity when done tastefully can be beautiful (I also agree with R Kelly that there ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind…) but I can certainly think of better ways for Jennifer to showcase her beautiful behind than to bend over legs akimbo, douse said behind in water and shake it like a sopping dog.

Men innately are primal beings; man sees pie, man wants pie. They are only deserving however of a slice of the pie, potentially even just a slither, until said pie receives the appreciation it deserves. But when women in the media kick up a fuss about being seen as merely breasts and an arse with a body attached and then put out 'art' such as this music video, they are in effect serving up the whole pie on a big shiny platter and then kicking off when men devour it. 

There is no doubt that the video was created entirely with a male audience in mind but even the lyrics have a lot to answer for. Admittedly with the title 'Booty' I wasn't expecting one of Shakespeare's sonnets set to a hip-hop beat (as far as I'm aware The Bard never had a penchant for romanticising the larger bottomed lady) but after the furore over 'Blurred Lines' and its alleged date-rape undertones, I am rather surprised that more of a fuss hasn't been made over the lines "you wanna meet her, you gotta touch her" and then even more excruciating; "Go on let them jeans touch you while you're dancing. It's his birthday, give him what he ask for."

So what Ms Lopez is basically saying is that if some creep starts rubbing his crotch on your arse whilst you're dancing don't worry your pretty little head,  just let him because it means that he thinks you're attractive and surely that's all you've ever wanted in life?…

Jen, you're better than this. Sort it out.

Some clever chat-up lines that MAY just work. Maybe...

These days chat-up lines are considered cringe-worthy and futile, usually reeled out by cretinous and lecherous men who are just trying to get their end away. But sometimes the line can be rather telling of the man behind it. As long as they immediately explain that the line was in jest...

I'm sure most women will agree that if asked “I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours instead?”, we would more than likely just stare bemused for a few seconds before sighing and shaking our heads. Come up with something that forces us to think (and make us smile) however, and you may just have our attention. Unless you're The Gosling. then you could say anything, we'd be too busy staring at your face.

Personally I am extremely partial to a good pun, and as a classic sapiophile can quite easily be drawn in by someone who can engage me in some witty wordplay. 

Here is a list of some lines that amused me somewhat:

"Billions of neutrinos penetrate you every second. Can I join them?" - Clever, but that's quite enough penetration for one second. 

"I wish I were your derivative so I could lay tangent to your curves." - A tame one. This guy is looking for cuddles.

"Let me be your integral so I can be the area under your curves." – You can be my integral as long as you're not an indefinite integral. You know, with no specific values. Too nerdy? 

"If I were an enzyme I'd be a DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes." - If someone knew what a DNA helicase was, I may just let them... 

"You’re like telophase, I admire your cleavage." – At least they're not just openly staring at it. Always a bonus. 

"Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your ass is refreshing." – My initial thoughts were 'it would be impossible to sit solely on the F5 key', nevertheless I enjoyed it. 

"Are you full of beryllium, gold and titanium? Because you're BE-AU-TI-FUL." – A simple, ELEMENT-ary line... 

"Do you have 11 protons? Because you're sodium fine." – I can't help but think this would be totally lost if not said in the right accent. 

"You are so hot you denature my proteins." – So, so sexy. 

"Your eyes are like limpid pools of primordial ooze and I am the protozoa that wish to swim in their depths." - Yeah, this one might be a tad much...

Now if you think the object of your affection may be more partial to a literary reference you could try these: 

Is your name Katniss, because you're starting an uprising in MY district. - A little sleazy but some decent punning.

And if all else fails you can't beat the immortal words of The Bard himself:

"You have witchcraft in your lips" - Good old Shakesy. Passionate and to the point. 

Now, we women aren't blameless when it comes to affairs of the heart so here is one to use on a lady that may have wronged you. Or may indeed just be Satan incarnate: 

"Did it hurt? When you crashed through the crust of the Earth on your ascent from hell?" A twist on the classic 'fell down from heaven'... 

And here is one to use on NO ONE:

"Does this rag smell like chloroform?" - If you hear this RUN.