With it being January and all this "new year, new me" balls floating around peoples heads (which lets face it for 90% of the population is probably going to last another week at best) the vast majority have put down the turkey, dusted off the old trainers and vowed to be leaner than a Victoria's Secret Model by summer. Totally attainable...
As a fairly regular gym goer for the past couple of years (a cycle of 5 visits in one week followed by 1 visit in 3 weeks averages itself out...) I have made many gym errors that have left me red in the face for reasons other than over-exertion, so I will impart my wisdom upon you fine people in the hope that your own gym experience is more bearable.
Don't wear the wrong attire. An ill-fitting sports bra will make you feel like your boobs are about to fly off, you'll be hoisting up the crotch of the wrong leggings every 2 minutes and you will realise what you're made of when running with a french-knicker induced wedgie for 30 minutes. I've done it and quite frankly I wanted a medal.
Don't wear a full face of make-up. I have actually seen women in the gym wearing false lashes and bun rings. You just look like a nob. You aren't in the Call On Me video nor is this the TOWIE work-out DVD.
Don't ask the personal trainer for advice if you're new to exercise.
They will show you exercises that whilst effective will make you want to vomit and they WILL stand over you for 45 minutes and watch you do them until they're satisfied you wont be able to walk tomorrow.
Don't over-estimate your physical prowess. That Zumba class you went to a couple of months ago was piss easy, you'll definitely be able to do it after 45 minutes on the treadmill. Wrong. You're being out-danced by the 70-year old in the corner and hoping you'll collapse just so you can be carried home.
Do not think of the gym as a place to meet Mr Right. You will have heard all that gash about the gym being a great place to strike up a conversation with the opposite sex. Yeah, throw that idea away. Firstly, if you're doing it properly, this is a place you'll be beetroot and sweaty and won't want a hot man to come within ten metres of you. Secondly, men go all Zoolander in the gym and are more interested in looking at their own muscles. There is a reason for the big fat mirror in front of the weights area.
Leave your flexibility at home. I am a fairly flexible person and to get the most out of my stretches and maintain this I have to go in for a fairly deep stretch. Once, whilst alone in the section of the gym designated for this very activity, I thought it would be OK to go for it. There I am standing with my legs akimbo in as wide a V as my body would allow only to bend over and spot a stunned elderly gentleman innocently about to embark upon some light exercise. All stretching is now done in the privacy of my own home.
Don't try to exercise like a man. You are not a man and nor do you want to look like (or be) a man. Yes it's tempting to try to out-do the bastards but we do have to face facts that physically the majority of them are faster and stronger. Would you really want the mindset of someone who responds to this:
Well done Reebok, alienate all of your female customers.
And finally one thing to DO in the gym.
Some ACTUAL exercise. This may seem fairly obvious but the amount of times I have queued up for a treadmill that someone has been walking on for TWENTY minutes is ridiculous. And FYI Powerplates are not for sitting on, the fat won't just vibrate off, sit on the floor and let me squat. Just because you have been to the gym doesn't mean you have actually been to the gym.
DISCLAIMER: I am in no way, shape or form qualified to give real advice about exercise, these are just some general musings of mine. By all means ignore this and do all of them but do them at your own peril. Don't blame me when your breasts are unbelievably sore because you decided to wear the sexy bra...
